Tag: musings

  • The Chokehold

    Circa July '25
Lord of the Drinks

    Last night, the cigarette burned like my soul
    Slowly and in vain.
    That slow burn that used to give peace- it’s killing me now.
    The made-up love that once was peace- is now the torment my heart can no longer take.
    Half-breaths and half-alive but never half in love. Never the person with one foot out the door- when in love.
    Burning. I’m burning in vain and killing myself- slowly.
    Do they see me burn? Do they see me burn? Do they?
    Do you?
    Do you see my agony?
    An ivy wrapping my throat- choking me to death. Much like your love.
    Or are you blind to my greys still?
    Should I’ve been more obvious with my love? Or did I stifle you with my intensity?
    Is that too many questions?
    My mind keeps going down the spiral- do you see me ruin myself in the hopes of your love?

  • An Ode to Calcutta…

    You see, this city lives two lives—
    One that goes by the name of Calcutta, steeped in culture, nostalgia, and the slow unravel of time.
    And the other—Kolkata—the rebranded, fast-paced metro, defined by the chaos of traffic and the digital clock above the Esplanade crossing.

    But no matter how much it tries to keep up with its metropolitan siblings—Delhi’s sprawl, Bombay’s buzz, Bangalore’s tech sheen—this city still beats to a rhythm that is entirely its own. A rhythm of adda that stretches through the afternoon, of mishti in clay cups, of trams that dare to survive in a world of Ubers and impatient deadlines.

    It rained today in Calcutta. Not the kind of polite drizzle you forget, but a steady, monsoon rain that makes you feel like the whole world has paused to listen. And I found myself thinking of the kind of love that only this city can make you feel—the kind that is sentimental, slow-burning, and impossibly deep.

    There’s a reason why Calcutta romances hit different.

    Take Metro… In Dino, for example. A beautiful anthology of love stories that unfolds across India’s biggest cities, showing how romance is shaped by the pulse of the places we live in. From the clinical, high-functioning relationships of Delhi to the dreamy chaos of Mumbai, each story is distinctly shaped by its city. But it’s the Kolkata segment that lingers.

    Because in Calcutta, love isn’t found in coffee dates and Instagram captions—it is found in silences, in longing, in unspoken familiarity. The story set here doesn’t rush. It walks, like the city. It mourns and hopes at the same time, like the people. And it dares to ask the question: what if love didn’t need to be dramatic to be real?

    The city romances differently. It doesn’t just hold your hand; it holds your history. It doesn’t just remember your favourite song—it remembers the time you heard it for the first time on a crackly FM station while stuck in traffic near Shyambazar.

    Being born and brought up here, I know what it is to carry a city in your bones.
    To know that you’ll never truly belong anywhere else.
    And that no matter how far you go, you’ll always be looking for someone who loves the way Calcutta loves.

    That kind of love is not flashy. It is built over slow walks through College Street, over crispy phuchka shared between arguments, over Metro rides that are somehow too short and too long at the same time.
    It is built in bookstores and tea stalls, in the gap between what you say and what you mean.

    People say I’m stuck in the past. That I believe in a version of love that no longer exists. That I still romanticize letters, and Rabindrasangeet, and the poetry scribbled in margins of notebooks.

    And they’re right.
    Because Calcutta has taught me that love doesn’t have to be convenient to be true.

    I will love you like this city clings to ivy-covered buildings and yellow taxis—unapologetically, even if the world is moving on.
    I will love you like Kolkata loves Durga Pujo: with an all-consuming joy that doesn’t care about what comes after.
    I will love you with the quiet devotion of tramlines still carving their path through madness, and with the abandon of a sindoor khela afternoon.
    I will love both your chaos and your calm—just like this city does.

    Because this city has never tried to be anything it is not.
    It holds on—to its roots, to its language, to its impossible softness.

    And maybe that’s why the love born here lasts.

    In Metro… In Dino, every city told a different love story, but Kolkata’s story wasn’t about falling in love.
    It was about staying in love.
    Even when time passes. Even when people change. Even when love is no longer easy.

    It was about that one place, that one person, who still feels like home.

    And that, perhaps, is the truest tribute to Calcutta.
    That despite everything—
    the peeling paint, the crumbling houses, the crowded crossings—
    it still teaches you the kind of love that stays.

    So let the other cities race ahead. Let them find newer ways to romance.
    As for me—
    I will always choose to love the Calcutta way:
    with depth, with memory, and with no intention of forgetting.

  • Joy in the Gentle: A Love Letter to the Little Things

    As I write this, exile by Taylor Swift and Bon Iver plays in the background — slow, haunting, and just a little too fitting. The city outside my window is still asleep, but my mind is wide awake, pulled back to that 5 AM ride through the meandering streets of Baruipur. I can almost feel the cool morning air again, hear the hum of the scooter, see the sun rising over fields so green it made my city heart ache. That morning comes back to me now like a breath I didn’t know I was holding — and maybe that’s why I’m writing this. To remember what it felt like to notice. To feel. To just be.

    There’s something about living in a city that puts your soul on mute.

    It’s not intentional. You don’t wake up and decide to forget the colour of the sky or the rustle of trees. But between back-to-back meetings, endless scrolling, late-night deadlines, and the buzz of notifications, life becomes one long blur. You’re surviving — maybe even thriving on paper — but somewhere along the way, you stop noticing the world around you.

    A Moment That Changed Everything

    It was a spontaneous 5 AM ride — the kind that only happens with someone who knew you before the noise set in. My childhood friend and I had reunited after years, and without much planning, we set off on her scooty through the meandering streets of Baruipur, a quiet suburb on the edge of Kolkata.

    There was something beautifully uncurated about that morning. The streets still yawned with sleep. The air was cool and generous, untouched by the weight of the day. We rode past sleepy homes, makeshift tea stalls, ponds holding the early light, and stretches of green that looked almost unreal to my city-worn eyes.

    The people, too, seemed different — slower, softer. An old man swept his doorstep with no rush in his movements. A tea stall owner, barely awake, handed us two clay cups with a silent smile, refusing to take money. That quiet hospitality felt like a warm hand on my shoulder.

    And the green. The green! It wasn’t just colour — it was release. It was freedom. Trees arched over narrow lanes like guardians. Fields rolled gently, untouched by concrete ambition. In that moment, I wasn’t thinking about emails or goals or plans. I was simply… there.

    That ride didn’t last forever. But that morning stayed. It reminded me that peace isn’t loud. That clarity sometimes comes without warning. And that the world is still full of moments waiting to be noticed — if only we look.

    Rediscovering Wonder

    Since that morning, I’ve been trying to relearn the art of noticing. Of seeking beauty in the spaces between chaos. The golden spill of sunlight on my balcony. The sound of rain tapping against my window. The rustle of leaves during a walk. The way people laugh when they don’t know you’re listening.

    City life conditions us to be efficient, but not present. We begin to value productivity more than peace. But what if the real success lies in how often we can slow down and actually see what surrounds us?

    Nature as a Reminder

    Even in the most concrete corners of our cities, nature doesn’t give up on us. It persists — quietly, persistently — in cracks, crevices, and forgotten spaces. A stubborn weed blooming through pavement. Moss climbing up the side of an old building. Birds weaving their morning songs into the dull roar of traffic. Trees that have stood still for decades while the city changed around them.

    These are not grand gestures. These are whispers.             
    But they are enough.

    Sometimes we wait for awe — for the kind of overwhelming beauty that takes our breath away — and in doing so, we miss the small invitations that nature sends us every day. The changing colour of the sky. The shadows of leaves dancing on a wall. The way sunlight filters through your curtain like gold dust.

    We don’t need to leave the city to find beauty. We need to return to our senses — to seeing, smelling, touching, hearing, and feeling the world again. Because nature is not separate from us. It is us. And it will keep calling us home — in quiet, consistent ways — until we remember how to listen.

    The Art of Noticing

    The more I think about it, the more I realise that noticing is a kind of love language — for the world, and for yourself.

    To notice something is to say: I am here. I see you. You matter.

    But noticing takes intention. It takes choosing to look up instead of down. To sit without distraction. To be curious, not just efficient. It means giving yourself permission to pause — to be in a moment without trying to capture it, share it, or rush past it.

    So I’ve been building a few quiet rituals, like planting seeds in a garden I hope will grow.
    – I try to watch the sky in the evenings — not just to see if it might rain, but to actually notice the way it shifts, glows, and fades.
    – I drink my morning tea by the window, not scrolling, just breathing.
    – I write down one thing each day that made me feel — not perform, not achieve — just feel.

    Some days, it’s the smell of someone cooking breakfast down the hall. Other days, it’s the sound of laughter drifting through my window from the neighbours’ children. Tiny things. Easy to miss. But they remind me that life is still beautiful — not in spite of its simplicity, but because of it.

    Slow Down. Look Around. You’re Already Home.

    We spend so much time chasing the idea of happiness, of peace, of “getting there” — wherever “there” is. But what if it’s not somewhere far ahead of us? What if it’s already here, hiding in the folds of an ordinary day?

    That morning ride through Baruipur didn’t fix my life. But it helped me remember what I’ve always known deep down — that joy is not a destination. It’s a way of seeing.

    So here’s to the little things.
    To stolen sunrises and shared silences.
    To green fields that ask for nothing and give everything.
    To people who remind you that kindness doesn’t need to be loud to be real.
    To the softness that still exists in a hard world.

    May we never be too busy to see what’s blooming beside us. May we never lose the wonder.

    Because sometimes, the life you’re looking for is already happening — quietly, gently — just waiting for you to notice.

    And just like that, exile fades into silence — only to be replaced by the first few tender notes of Until I Found You by Stephen Sanchez. It feels almost poetic, like the universe is giving this piece its own quiet ending.

    I sit back, rereading these words — memories and moments stitched together by stillness — and something in me softens. Maybe this is what healing looks like: not grand revelations, but soft songs, early morning rides, and tiny reminders that beauty still lives all around us.

    And maybe, just maybe, in learning to appreciate the little things, we start finding the bigger ones, too.

    Let me know your thoughts

  • Somewhere…It Begins Again

    I was in Class XI when I first fell in love.

    There was a rush when he looked at me. A spark, a flicker—something that felt infinite, even when it barely knew how to begin. But first love isn’t always gentle, and it certainly isn’t always right. Mine was neither. I thought it was everything, because back then, I didn’t know love could be more.

    Still, I stayed.
    Not because it was beautiful, but because I was afraid.

    Every time it felt like he might leave, my mind whispered:
    If not him, then who?

    That question tethered me to a story long after the plot had unraveled. It made me trade peace for presence. It convinced me that if I lost him, I’d never find love again. So I stayed—for six years—until one day I realised I had outgrown the girl who first asked that question.


    The Second Time

    Then came my second.

    My favourite almost.

    We were everything in slow motion. The kind of love that unspooled gently, like a Sunday morning in a city you’re learning to love. We had a rhythm, a potential, a softness that felt safe. But “almost” is a word that quietly breaks you. It tricks you into believing that “one day” will come—until it doesn’t.

    We almost made love stay.
    We almost had our shared playlists, our traditions, our peace.
    We almost built something lasting.

    “Distance, timing, breakdown, fighting
    Silence, the train runs off its tracks…”

    — Sad, Beautiful, Tragic (RED (Taylor’s Version), Taylor Swift)

    When it ended, it didn’t break me. Not all at once, at least. It was the kind of ending that settles in gradually, like fog over a city you once called home. There was no betrayal, no grand disaster. Just the quiet knowing that we couldn’t carry on. I was tired—of loving people who didn’t stay. Of waiting for something I couldn’t name. Of wondering why love never felt like enough.

    But if you ask me today, I’d still say we were close to something extraordinary.
    Close, but not close enough.


    This Time Might Be Different

    Now, maybe my third is here to stay.
    Maybe he isn’t.

    But for the first time, I won’t ask that old question again.
    If not you, then who?

    Because I’ve learned what that question does. It makes you stay longer than you should. It wraps fear in the illusion of loyalty. It makes you believe that love is scarce, when really—it’s abundant.

    Love shows up in many forms, in many seasons—
    Sometimes as a person, sometimes as a mirror.
    Sometimes as you, choosing yourself after years of forgetting how.

    I’ve learned that love isn’t just about who stays the longest.
    Sometimes, it’s who teaches you how to leave.
    Sometimes, it’s the quiet promise you make to yourself in the dark—
    That next time, you’ll choose you first.


    Love Is Home

    Love, as I’ve come to understand it, isn’t just the butterflies or the longing or the poetry. It’s not even just the safety or the stillness.

    Love is how we slowly become ourselves in someone else’s presence.
    It’s how we learn to rest.
    How we remember the softness we’d tucked away.

    Love is memory, timing, courage.
    And sometimes, love is the lesson.

    And maybe that’s why it blurs so closely into something else—home.

    In my last blog, I wrote about home not being a place, but a feeling. And the more I think about it, the more I realise—home and love are the same thing. They evolve. They shift. They slip through your fingers if you’re not paying attention, only to return in unexpected forms.

    A city. A friend. A morning spent in silence. Or someone’s laugh echoing through a kitchen full of light.

    What a terrifyingly beautiful thing it is to find your home in a person.
    To find love and belonging wrapped into the same soul.

    But even if they don’t stay, the love does.
    The lesson does.
    The knowing that you can love again—differently, deeply, more wisely.


    And So…

    You haven’t met all the people you’ll love.
    And you haven’t met all the people who will love you.

    So chin up, darling.
    Love might just be around the corner.

    And maybe this time—it won’t be tragic.
    Maybe it’ll just be home.

    Let me know your thoughts

  • The Mirror Principle: Reflecting Relationships

    A week or two ago I was talking to someone over Instagram and said something very mature which I later wrote on my Journal app and posted as a status on WhatsApp. Now before I dive into this blogpost- anyone remembers the Justin Timberlake song “Mirrors”? If you don’t, the following lyrics forms the centre point for this blog-

    ‘It’s like you’re my mirror

    My mirror staring back at me…’

    Okay enough of an introduction- let’s dive right in. During the aforementioned Instagram chat we were joking about human behaviour in correlation with one another. For example, you would not talk to your best friend the way you talk to your boss at the office. During such banter, my friend asked me to describe my own behaviour in as few words as possible- and in that very moment I came up with the perfect metaphor to give an answer to this question. I said I consider myself to be a mirror that does not distort the reality out of proportions. I am the mirror that reflects that reality with all its nuances. This is to say that I mimic the person in front or the person I’m having a conversation with. I give as much attention, respect, love, decency, importance etc as I have gotten from you.

    For years I have been the person who replied to texts within minutes or picked up a call on the first or third ring depending on my situation. It did not really matter if the person calling or texting was my best friend, partner, parents or an acquaintance – I was always available; till I wasn’t anymore. This change in behaviour showed me something very important- some times you have got to give back what you get- for your own sanity. Such a shift in my nature gave me clarity too- clarity about the people I want to keep in my circle. If you have been reading my blogs- you know the 50-30-20 principle I use for my emotional budgeting. While that is an effective tool to make sure that you are not bending yourself backward to help someone out- the same principle clubbed with my mirror analogy ensures an added filter. What exactly does it do? Let me give you an example with which most of us, if not all, would relate. You meet someone by happenstance maybe through a mutual friend, or at a club, or via an app or any other ways that are norms of the day. You talk to each other and there is an instant spark and you start talking to each other for longer hours characterised by prompt replies, words of affirmation or validation- maybe a little too much of that. You start feeling like having your dream-come-true moment. And then comes the period where the replies grow inconsistent. You start thinking what went wrong, if you should hav given them a chase rather than becoming all gooey and you start going down the spiral. You become restless and reply to a text received after 3 hours within 3 seconds and the whole cycle of waiting and wondering begins again. Sounds familiar? Well we have all been victims of this and more often than not we have blamed it on the heart- when all it’s doing is pumping blood!

    Now how does my mirror principle help here? The mirror principle states that I would be a reflection of how you treat me. For example, if you are a genuinely good texter- so am I, of course not at the cost of the work I have got to do. If you talk to me respectfully, I give it right back. If you pretend like you have to wait for your pigeon to send me back a reply by writing a letter without any valid reason- that’s exactly what you are going to get back. The fun thing about the mirror principle is that as long as you are giving back respect, validation, time – anything that is, in general, positive- no one would have any issues with you mimicing them. The problem starts when you start acting aloof with someone who has treated you like you don’t matter.

    It has taken me years to perfect this practice at the cost of losing out on connections, but you have got to prioritise your own sanity over connections who have a pattern of resurfacing when they need something from you. Know your worth! That’s it. This has been one of the most important lessons that has bamboozled people across generations. Some people understand it early on in life – our alpha males or alpha females with a mesmerizing personality. While some of us struggle understanding our worth in someone’s life, including me. So mirroring their actions after giving them a couple chances has helped me remain approachable but not at the cost of my self respect.

    So, what’s the takeaway from all of this? Simple—match energies, but don’t drain yourself trying to keep a connection alive when the effort isn’t mutual. The mirror principle isn’t about playing games; it’s about valuing yourself enough to give back only what you receive. And if someone finds it unfair, well, maybe they should take a good look at how they’ve been treating you. After all, a mirror never lies—it only reflects.

    At the end of the day, your time, attention, and emotions are valuable. If someone treats you with care, kindness, and consistency, you reciprocate. But if they make you feel like an afterthought, then why should you do any different? The beauty of the mirror principle is that it puts the power back in your hands—you’re no longer waiting, guessing, or overextending yourself. You simply reflect. And in doing so, you protect your peace, your dignity, and your worth.

  • Uncertainty in Life: Embracing Change and Growth

    I sit by my window clueless- with a vacant stare in my eyes. The rain is pouring down right now – the usual British weather, but the melancholy in my mind makes it gloomier than it is. I have only one question in my mind today – “What’s next?” The sense of uncertainty engulfs me and I go down that spiral of emotions. I cry. It’s a little tear that rolls down my left cheek at first and then the right. I am crying profusely now and I don’t know how to stop these emotions. Amidst all of this, my mind takes me back to the first time I realised I wanted to study abroad.

    It was back in May 2020. The world was grappling with the shock of the havoc caused by Corona virus. The chatter of the constant news updates and ambulance sirens became rampant everywhere. During this time, I graduated online from college upon finishing my Bachelor’s degree and was planning on what to do next. Following a couple months of break- I rejoined St. Xavier’s College, Kolkata for their MA in Political Science program. Although the familiarity of the class structures, professors and classmates was extremely comforting during a time when we were in survival mode, my heart yearned for something more and I had no clue about what it was.

    Following graduation a lot changed. In August 2020, I published my first book. Few of my friends moved to different cities and few of them moved back to their hometowns and went on with their lives; while I sat on my bed in soft yellow lighting at midnight, struggling to understand what it is that I want.

    Soon I got fascinated by the idea of studying abroad, something I never planned on doing for my Masters degree. As some of you know, this fascination began a journey that would continue for months and would involve endless hours of research and writing SOPs for my target universities. I started researching about what it is that I wanted to do, where do I want to go and gradually the answer to the question “What next?” became clearer with every passing day. In September 2021, I embarked on my first international travel to pursue my Masters of Arts in Conflict, Security and Development in the UK. By the time I started my course, I had it all figured out:

    • Graduation in 2022
    • Job by 2023
    • First home by 2027
    • A pet on my 30th birthday…..and so on and so forth.

    You get the idea!

    But like I said in my last blog, life seldom follows a definite plan and maybe that’s what makes life so much more interesting and stressful at times. Imagine how mundane your life would be had you known- at exactly which point in your life are you gonna meet your soulmate, or by what age you’re gonna get your first job, or get into your dream school, or meet your role model- everything would have been charted out for you. Although sometimes being in the unknown scares the bejesus out of me- the thought of having my life planned out for me scares me more.

    I wouldn’t lie- I did manage to meet a few goals on this plan of mine- I did graduate from University of Sussex in 2022 and secured a job in 2022 itself- lucky me, right? I thought so too. But as life would have it, I started feeling like I should be aiming higher. I should challenge myself to attain greater heights and soon my plans changed again. Although the essence remained the same- my priorities shifted a bit. So now I am faced by that question again- the same sense of uncertainty I felt in 2020 is back. But this time the feeling is familiar. This time I am more prepared for change. I am older and wiser. But does that mean I am not scared of the uncertainty anymore? I am. I wake up at night with my heart beat racing and with small beads of sweat on my forehead bothered by the possibilities my future holds. However, now it’s a fleeting moment of self doubt which is followed by long periods of striving for what it is that I want and tackling life one day at a time.

    So while I sit on my bed and look out the window and witness the lives of people around me, I reiterate one thing over and over again:

    “There’s always gonna be another mountain
    I’m always gonna wanna make it move
    Always gonna be an uphill battle
    Sometimes I’m gonna have to lose
    Ain’t about how fast I get there
    Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
    It’s the climb”

    ~Miley Cyrus “The Climb”

  • UK (Penny’s version)

    Brighton, 12/10/2021
    Welcome to Midnight Musings, Chapter 2: UK (Penny’s version).

    My UK journey has been a myriad of emotions to say the least. From the highest highs to the lowest lows, this has been an adventure and sparring a few details I wouldn’t have it any other way.

    I came to the UK as a Masters degree student eager to explore the world, soak in the culture, learn from the best in their field but most of all to become independent. And I got to tick all of these off my bucket list. But everything came at a price. The picture above was taken on my first birthday in the UK. Growing up in a very close knit family my birthdays used to be a huge thing with my mom cooking my favourite dishes to my dad getting my favourite birthday cake- my day used to be all about the hustle. However, my first birthday in the UK was not like that.

    I remember starting the day at around 8 a.m. on a Tuesday morning of October to get my breakfast sorted followed by a 3 hour long class and a meeting with colleagues to discuss a topic decided by our professor for next week’s class. It was rough. I couldn’t concentrate throughout my class and felt homesick a lot. The time difference meant I wasn’t able to call my parents immediately so I confided about it in my flatmate who then took me out on a lunch date. Standing in the corner of a random street of Brighton, I felt the price I paid for my years of independence.

    Being an international student or even simply being an expat is hard and growing up watching movies that show you a distorted reality doesn’t make it easier. It unfolds a journey of learning and unlearning: I have had to forego habits that were dear to me and develop new ones. I have rediscovered myself or facets of my personality time and again. I have fought my own demons and come out of my comfort zone to adapt to the norms of the country: and in retrospect I have loved every bit of it.

    My life became an embodiment of the phrase "change is the only constant". I studied Political Science all my adult life and went on to work in finance and fell in love with it. I saw my life change drastically- from food habits to my Netflix watchlist. My icebreaker questions went from “How are you doing?” to “Bit chilly, innit?” overtime. I have had to learn to call my professors, my managers by their first names and be comfortable with it. Most of all, I have learnt about myself and have learnt to accept defeat.

    If I have to put three years of my life in one blog; more so in one paragraph this is what I would have to say: UK has been a rollercoaster ride with the best bunch of people. However, despite common misconceptions, your quality of life doesn’t immediately get better when you shift abroad. In my experience, it gets hard before it gets better.

    ·To be hungry for one whole day because your part-time job’s shift sneaked up on you during your assignments and you lost track of time and forgot to cook anything: it teaches you what life is.

    ·To have crippling self-doubt but still show up looking your best teaches you adaptability.

    ·Doing 18 hours work days including assignments, part-time job and your daily chores just in time to get enough sleep for months at end- teaches you to be resilient in a way nothing else can.

    All of this has made me want to give up many a times and go back but every time I kept asking myself: didn’t you always want this? Didn’t you always want to be independent? Didn’t you dream day in and day out of living abroad? And when the answer kept coming back as yes- it gave me strength to look life in the eye and say ‘bring it on!’.

    I found facets of me that would have stayed hidden had I not moved miles away from home. I found people who made me push my boundaries and become a better version of me. I found home in myself: became happy in my own skin; my own space. The other part of it has been a dream come true ✨; but more about that in the next one!

    Leaving a few snippets of the other half on here. I hope you enjoy. For now I leave you with one thing- believe in miracles, they happen ❤
    King’s Cross Station, October 2021
    University of Sussex, September 2021

    London, March 2022 ♥️