Last night, the cigarette burned like my soul Slowly and in vain. That slow burn that used to give peace- it’s killing me now. The made-up love that once was peace- is now the torment my heart can no longer take. Half-breaths and half-alive but never half in love. Never the person with one foot out the door- when in love. Burning. I’m burning in vain and killing myself- slowly. Do they see me burn? Do they see me burn? Do they? Do you? Do you see my agony? An ivy wrapping my throat- choking me to death. Much like your love. Or are you blind to my greys still? Should I’ve been more obvious with my love? Or did I stifle you with my intensity? Is that too many questions? My mind keeps going down the spiral- do you see me ruin myself in the hopes of your love?
I sit by my window clueless- with a vacant stare in my eyes. The rain is pouring down right now – the usual British weather, but the melancholy in my mind makes it gloomier than it is. I have only one question in my mind today – “What’s next?” The sense of uncertainty engulfs me and I go down that spiral of emotions. I cry. It’s a little tear that rolls down my left cheek at first and then the right. I am crying profusely now and I don’t know how to stop these emotions. Amidst all of this, my mind takes me back to the first time I realised I wanted to study abroad.
It was back in May 2020. The world was grappling with the shock of the havoc caused by Corona virus. The chatter of the constant news updates and ambulance sirens became rampant everywhere. During this time, I graduated online from college upon finishing my Bachelor’s degree and was planning on what to do next. Following a couple months of break- I rejoined St. Xavier’s College, Kolkata for their MA in Political Science program. Although the familiarity of the class structures, professors and classmates was extremely comforting during a time when we were in survival mode, my heart yearned for something more and I had no clue about what it was.
Following graduation a lot changed. In August 2020, I published my first book. Few of my friends moved to different cities and few of them moved back to their hometowns and went on with their lives; while I sat on my bed in soft yellow lighting at midnight, struggling to understand what it is that I want.
Soon I got fascinated by the idea of studying abroad, something I never planned on doing for my Masters degree. As some of you know, this fascination began a journey that would continue for months and would involve endless hours of research and writing SOPs for my target universities. I started researching about what it is that I wanted to do, where do I want to go and gradually the answer to the question “What next?” became clearer with every passing day. In September 2021, I embarked on my first international travel to pursue my Masters of Arts in Conflict, Security and Development in the UK. By the time I started my course, I had it all figured out:
Graduation in 2022
Job by 2023
First home by 2027
A pet on my 30th birthday…..and so on and so forth.
You get the idea!
But like I said in my last blog, life seldom follows a definite plan and maybe that’s what makes life so much more interesting and stressful at times. Imagine how mundane your life would be had you known- at exactly which point in your life are you gonna meet your soulmate, or by what age you’re gonna get your first job, or get into your dream school, or meet your role model- everything would have been charted out for you. Although sometimes being in the unknown scares the bejesus out of me- the thought of having my life planned out for me scares me more.
I wouldn’t lie- I did manage to meet a few goals on this plan of mine- I did graduate from University of Sussex in 2022 and secured a job in 2022 itself- lucky me, right? I thought so too. But as life would have it, I started feeling like I should be aiming higher. I should challenge myself to attain greater heights and soon my plans changed again. Although the essence remained the same- my priorities shifted a bit. So now I am faced by that question again- the same sense of uncertainty I felt in 2020 is back. But this time the feeling is familiar. This time I am more prepared for change. I am older and wiser. But does that mean I am not scared of the uncertainty anymore? I am. I wake up at night with my heart beat racing and with small beads of sweat on my forehead bothered by the possibilities my future holds. However, now it’s a fleeting moment of self doubt which is followed by long periods of striving for what it is that I want and tackling life one day at a time.
So while I sit on my bed and look out the window and witness the lives of people around me, I reiterate one thing over and over again:
“There’s always gonna be another mountain I’m always gonna wanna make it move Always gonna be an uphill battle Sometimes I’m gonna have to lose Ain’t about how fast I get there Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side It’s the climb”
Penny's World 